A RIder's Luck
by PlatinumOwl
Summary: Alex has the worst luck. Now a couple of shots.( I'm not giving anymore numbers, I'm tired of changing this thing.) May change with inspiration. Also, I don't own Alex Rider. Consider this the disclaimer.
1. Chapter 1: A Rider's Luck

"Hello?"

"Yeah, hi, I'd like to order a medium sized pizza with cheese, peper-"

"Alex?"

"Huh? How do you know my name? I don't call that often-"

"Alex, how did you get this number?"

"What are you talking about? The phone book of course, now-"

"This number was in the phone book?"

"Okay look, I don't know who you are but seriously? What's with all these interruptions?"

"Alex, just answer the question."

"No. First tell me who you are."

"You called me, little Alex."

"…Yassen?"

"Correct, now answer my question."

"…you work at the pizza place now? Cause if you do I'm canceling my or-"

"No, little Alex, I do not work at the pizza place. That is why I want to know how you called this number."

"Alright let me check the number…oh."

"What?"

"I accidentally switched the last two digits."

"…"

"Yassen?"

*click*

"Hey Al, when's the pizza coming?"

"Never. Even if it does we are NOT eating it."

"What? Why?"

"I didn't call the pizza place."

"Why not?"

"I meant to but I mixed up the last two numbers."

"Okay, that explains why it wouldn't come..I guess, so why could it possibly come, and why would we not eat it?"

"I told you I mixed up the last two numbers right?"

"Okay…"

"Well I ended up somehow calling Yassen."

"…"

"Yeah…"

"So you called the pizza place.."

"Uh-huh…"

"..and mixed up the last two numbers…"

"So far so good…"

"…and managed to call the worlds deadliest assassin instead?"

"Basically."

"Dude. What the hell?"

"What?! It's not like I meant to!"

"Only you."

"Did the doorbell just ring?"

"Yeah, you should probably answer it."

"What? Why me?"

"I'm the guest dude."

"You practically live here."

"So? Go answer the door."

"Fine. Bastard."

"I heard that!"

"You were supposed to!"

"Answer the damn door!"

"Alright, alright. Hello-…Yassen?"

"Little Alex."

"Why are you here?"

"To kidnap you."

"What?! No! Run Tom!"

"Why? Is it Scorpia?!"

"No, it's Yassen."

"The assassin?"

"Why's he here?"

"To kidnap me apparently."

"Why?!"

"Good question. Hey Yassen, why are you trying to kidnap me?"

"I am not trying little Alex, I am succeeding."

"Yeah, yeah. But why?"

"You called a pizza place.."

"Yes."

"…and mixed up some numbers…"

"The last two, yeah."

"…and managed to call me. An assassin."

"Your point? Tom and I just had this conversation."

"At this rate, your luck will kill you before a mission does."

"Hey! I have a 100% success rate! Besides my luck isn't that bad."

"Yes it is!"

"Shut up Tom! No one asked you!"

"He's right you know."

"About what?"

"Your luck."

"Exactly whose side are you on?"

"Yours dude but, seriously, your luck is crap."

"It's kept e alive so far."

"Exactly, so far."

"So what? I should just LET the worlds most wanted kidnap me DON'T SHRUG IT OFF!"

"Hey man, whatever works."

"We are not having this conversation. I am not letting anyone kidnap me."

"No one said anything about you 'letting' them, little Alex."

"Yassen…"

"Don't make it harder than necessary Al."

"Damn it Tom! Let me go!"

"Sorry Al, but I think we both know you're better off with Yassen here."

"You cannot possibly believe that I am safer with an INTERNATIONALLY WANTED ASSASSIN than our GOVERNMENT."

"Alex, our 'government' are a bunch of candy asses that are never there when you need them, and with your luck, that's almost always. Yassen will have your back better than them, right Yassen?"

"That is correct Thomas."

"Dude, my name is Tom. Send me updates okay?"

"I will when I can."

"Thanks."

"Hello! Still here!"

"You should probably sedate him."

"What?! Tom you traitor!"

"Yes, I have a syringe here. Keep him still."

"OH BLOODy hel..l…"

"Is he out?"

"Yes."

"How long?"

"About eight hours."

"Thanks for your number. I needed to get him out, MI6 was killing him."

"You are a good friend, though I didn't expect a call so soon."

"Whatever works, right?"

"Indeed. I will call you once we reach Germany."

"Alright. Good luck, you'll need it."

"Thank you. I know I will."

*door closes*

"Oh, there's the phone book…wait. I haven't planted Yassen's number yet. Wow. He really does have the worst luck."


	2. Chapter 2: Fire Extinguisher

"Little Alex, what are you doing?"

"…nothing."

"Why do you have a fire extinguisher?"

"There was a fire."

"A fire?"

"Yes?"

"Is that a question?"

"No."

"So there was a fire?"

"Yes."

"Where?"

"Um…over there."

"Where?"

"By the cactus looking thing."

"You mean the sculpture?"

"Is that what it is?"

"Yes, Little Alex. We _are_ in an art gallery."

"So? I have a fire extinguisher. Your argument is invalid."

"Which brings us back to the original question. Why do you have a fire extinguisher?"

"I told you Yassen, there was a fire."

"I don't see a fire, Little Alex. In fact, I do not think there ever was a fire. I think you were trying to escape."

"Well don't hurt yourself."

"Alex, were you trying to escape?"

"What do you think?! Yesterday I was at home playing video games with my ex-best friend, and today I'm in GERMANY! Of course I was trying to escape! Who wouldn't?!"

"This is for the best Little Alex."

"…"

"Alex, you must understand-"

"Yassen?"

"Alex, it's rude to interrupt, you should-"

"Yassen, you can be a hypocrite later, doesn't that guy look suspicious?"

"Alex, I am not-"

"Hey, what's he doing to the cactus thingy?"

"It's a sculpture, Little Alex, and it appears he is appreciating it. Now stop trying to distrac-"

"Oh shit."

"Alex! Language."

"Yassen, he pulled out a gun."

"*Russian profanity*"

"What was that about hypocrisy?"

"We will continue this conversation later, now we must go."

"EVERYBODY DOWN!"

"Too late."

"Now isn't the time for your sarcasm Alex."

"Who said I was being sarcastic? Oh great, here he comes."

"I SAID, EVERYBODY DOWN!"

"Alex! What are you doing?"

"Shh, you'll give us away."

"Now is not the time to be a hero Little Alex."

"Yassen! Be quiet."

"I will not. I am the adult, you will listen."

"No, YOU are a kidnapper. Even worse, you're MY kidnapper. Excuse me if I don't pay the proper respect."

"You are being very childish."

"Well then it's a good thing you're an adult."

"Alex, we do not have time for this!"

"Oh wow. Careful Yassen, that almost sounded like an emotion."

"I am an assassin, Alex. I am supposed to be emotionless."

"For someone without emotion, you can be a real arse."

"That is not my problem. You are being too-"

"Childish? Naïve? That's what you want though, isn't it For me to shut up and rely on you, well too bad! I don't need you!"

"Yes you do! If I had left you, you would have been killed!"

"Maybe, but at least I would have lived how I wanted!"

"And blackmailed into dangerous missions for the rest of your life is how you want to live?!"

"Of course not, but at least I was helping people!"

"You don't know-"

"YES I DO! ALL I DO IS KNOW! WHETHER I WANT TO OR NOT!"

"NO YOU DON'T! YOU-"

"You over there! Quiet down!"

"**SHUT UP!**"

"Huh. Looks like we can agree on one thing."

"Yes. Burglars are very irritating and rude."

"…I think he's unconscious."

"You did hit him over the head with a fire extinguisher."

"He deserved it."

"I agree."

"I'm still mad."

"About what?"

"You kidnapping me."

"Then I suggest you get over it."

"You're such an _ass_."

"We should leave before the police show up."

"Fine, but we _are_ talking about this."

"Yes, Little Alex. We will talk later. Preferably in a sound proof room."

"…"

"What?"

"You just said we would talk in a sound proof room."

"Preferably, yes."

"…"

"Are you finally going to be quiet?"

"Depends. Are you going to murder me in said sound proof room?"

"Murder you? Why would I? Torture maybe, but not murder."

"…I can't decide if I'm reassured or more worried."

"Not my problem. Hmmm, pass me that fire extinguisher."

"Why?"

"I need it to break the window."

"Why? The doors are right over there. I promise they won't attack you."

"Yes, yes. Haha. Now give me the extinguisher…thank you."

"I want it back when you're done."

"Why?"

"It's useful."

"It's a fire extinguisher."

"And in the past five minutes it's been used to knock out an irritating burglar as well as open a window for possibly pointless reasons. What have you done?"

"…"

"Exactly."

"Let's just get out of here."

"Agreed."


	3. Chapter 3: Torture

"Damn it Alex! Just get in here already!"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because you're going to torture me!"

"I'm not going to torture you."

"You said you would."

"No, I simply stated that the probability of me torturing you greatly overwhelmed the possibility of killing you."

"Are you trying to make me scream?"

"You can scream all you want in the sound proof room."

"…you really aren't helping your case."

"I swear, I will not torture you in the sound proof room. Now get in. I will use force if necessary."

"See, this is why people don't like you."

"Though I doubt relevance, what do you mean?"

"You're too forceful. Have you ever considered yoga? I heard it's great for relaxing the body and-"

"Alex, I am not taking yoga. Now get in the room."

"No. I don't want to be tortured. _Especially _by you."

"I highly doubt that, in a situation with which your captor wants information, you will be allowed to choose your torturer. Although, I would like to know why you are so against me in particular. I'll have you know, I am a very competent torturer."

"Yassen-"

"If anything it would be a very educational experience. Few have as excellence RTI training as I. I could show you a few things."

"_Yassen_-"

"In fact, this could be a very good opportunity and-"

"YASSEN!"

"What?"

"Are you trying to convince me to _let_ you torture me?"

"It would be helpful in the future so..yes."

"Even after the whole 'I swear I won't torture you' thing?"

"The choice is yours of course, Little Alex. I was just informing you of the benefits of having me torture you."

"You do hear yourself right?"

"Hmm, I see your point. It wouldn't be half as effective if you were expecting it."

"Exactly, so let's-YASSEN!"

"Yes?"

"That-you were..wait. What are you-Yassen."

"Yes?"

"You're smiling."

"So I am Little Alex."

"Does that mean you were kidding? Damn it Yassen! That wasn't funny! I was legitimately terrified."

"I thought you were just complaining about my character."

"Great, not only am I kidnapped, but I'm kidnapped by an assassin with a twisted sense of humor."

"You're still on that?"

"I'm sorry, how many times were _you _kidnapped by assassins as a child?"

"You should move on."

"No thanks. I refuse to accept being kidnapped."

"Your choice. Are you hungry?"

"Um, okay, random much?"

"I'll only ask once more, are you hungry?"

"Yes?"

"You should stop making statements into questions."

"You should stop asking questions that force me to make questionable statements."

"How is asking after your consumption forcing you into anything?"

"Well, it wasn't the question per se. It was how abrupt it was."

"I see. There is food inside the room."

"Fine. I get it, I'll go in. You promise not to torture me?"

"…yes."

"Not even gonna ask."

"…"

"So what kind of food do you have? You said it's been awhile since you've been here, right? I wonder if you have those peaches. Geez Yassen, switch on the light will ya? I can't see anything with the door closed. Thanks, that's better. Now what kind of foo-WHY ARE THERE BLOODY CHAINS ON THE FLOOR?!"


	4. Chapter 4: Stretch

"I said no, Alex."

"Come _on_ Yassen. It'll be fun, and you really do need to relax. You've been running around half the world for a week now."

"I just don't see why I should spend money on something so…unnecessary."

"Unnecessary? It's completely necessary. You have way too much tension; you need an outlet and this is the best way."

"Alex, I am not paying someone to bend me over."

"Why not? You're already flexible. I bet you won't even need any preparation."

"That is an incorrect assumption, Little Alex. For something so…strenuous, you always need preparation or run the risk of a great deal of pain."

"Alright, so you'll need some prep, you should still do it."

"Alex, I have no desire to do so. Perhaps you should instead. As you said, _we_ have been running around Europe."

"No, _you _ran. _I_ was dragged. A serious difference. Besides, I've never done it before; it makes me a bit nervous."

"It is not hard. I could help."

"Uh, I don't think it's something you help with."

"Why not?"

"It'd be awkward."

"How so? I'd simply be preparing you for the activity, not taking part."

"Yeah, and that makes it awkward. You should finish what you start Yassen."

"Hmm, so you want to me to join you?"

"It would save us money and provide us both an outlet, so yeah. Why not?"

"I'm not gentle."

"And I'm not a child. I can handle _anything_ you throw at me _Yassen_."

"You _will_ regret that, _Alex_."

"Bring it."

*Three hours later*

"Damn Yassen, you weren't kidding."

"I told you, I'm not gentle. Even if it was your first time."

"I'm just glad I'm flexible. Some of those positions…geez."

"I will admit. You did well for a beginner and I do feel more relaxed now."

"That's nice, now help me up. My back is killing me."

"And whose fault is that?"

"Hey! It seemed like a good idea at the time."

"Yes, because going in without stretching always ends well."

"Shove it. I'm new."

"That is no excuse. You play sports, you should have known better."

"Ugh, leave me alone. My muscles feel like jelly."

"It will pass. Would you like to do this again next week?"

"So you enjoyed it?"

"Surprisingly, yes. I did."

"Mmm, why not tomorrow?"

"Because, you'll feel even worse. This is only the beginning."

"What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Aren't you feeling like crap?"

"Not particularly, I am more practiced and you took the brunt of it."

"Ass."

"You're the one that wanted it."

"Yeah but I didn't expect it to be so _hard_."

"How could it not be hard?"

"I don't know, I still feel cheated."

"Why? You enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Now you're sore but it will pass."

"I shouldn't have pushed."

"No, you shouldn't have. I said no and you didn't accept it. Now you pay the consequence."

"It was just _yoga_!"


End file.
